I Said Yes

     There's an eye catching title, eh? Yes, I said Yes. No, not to a relationship--heavens, no. I said Yes to me. It's amazing how easy it is to say yes to the things we really want to say no to because we were raised to be nice and not hurt other's feelings. Born people pleasers, we have difficulty with that little two letter word: no. Taking on a colleague's work while they're out on PTO when you're already buried under your own deadlines and work commitments. Saying yes to favors (lending your car or money or time that you really don't have to spare) because you worry about disappointing the other person or you drown yourself in guilt for not making yourself, funds, or vehicle readily available. And learning to stand up for yourself and protecting your boundaries is a great thing, we do not need to be everything to everyone all the time. But there's also a flip side to this conundrum: the knee jerk no to something potentially positive.

    So, I am an extreme introvert. I have embraced the work from home hermit lifestyle blessed upon us by the pandemic. Hide away from the world? Oh, yes please! I am also fairly health conscious and love a good early morning run which typically entails a rather early bedtime. I wake up at three most mornings to get my runs in before work, so to get a decent night's sleep, I am usually tucked into bed by seven. Who am I kidding--I'm under the covers most nights by six, happily dozing off to Schitts Creek and listening to Tucker softly snoring beside me on his own bed, dreaming happy puppy dreams of bones, burgers and biting the UPS guy. He really hates UPS drivers...

    Now, I know that is far from a "normal" schedule compared to the rest of the world. But, it's also been a very convenient excuse for me to avoid awkward social situations I'd rather not be in. I am not a fan of crowds, noisy parties, small talk with strangers...I've even become pretty deterred towards dining out (another gift bestowed by our COVID shut down, everything's closed? Can't go out? That's a big yay to me!) Restaurants are expensive and not particularly healthy nutritionally, so I truly haven't missed eating out in the least.

    But life is starting to open up again. The world is trying to put the pandemic behind us and people just want to start living again. We're going back to work (thankfully just one day a week for my position-I honestly would not want to be at the office full time again, but I do miss coworker shenanigans, so I confess I am looking forward to that.) And, for me, post-divorce at long last, I am personally ready to begin a bit of self-seeking, internal healing, and I feel like part of me actually does want to be out in the world again, exploring, playing, soaking up sunshine and sea breezes. 

    So the other week when Michael asked if I wanted to go out for sushi one night after he'd get home from work, my immediate initial response was a instantaneous no. Then I caught myself. First, Michael is mostly off living his own life and there are days that we barely see each other more than a few passing minutes. These kids grow up way too fast and opportunities to hang out together are fewer and farther between. So I said yes. We have a favorite sushi place, Jacky's Galaxie in North Providence that's always mad busy because they make the most incredible sushi, but it's definitely worth the wait, Jacky's never disappoints. We piled into his car, zipped off to North Provi, and had to sit in the foyer for a half hour or so, mid-dinner rush on a Friday night. But we had so much fun that night, just stuffing ourselves silly, sampling new maki rolls we hadn't tried before, finishing off with a bowl of deep fried tempura green tea ice cream. It was a billion times worth ditching my routine for a change and enjoying a little fun out in the world with my kid.

    Something else I am learning to say yes to is actually using some of the art supplies I have managed to accumulate over the years. I have zero problem investing in professional art mediums. The comparison to the more moderately priced "intermediate" grade supplies is so incredibly different: the pigment, the smoothness, the blendability--professional supplies are absolutely worth every single penny. But...there comes this implied pressure. I've spent the money, now I have to produce something amazing and worthy of the cost, and I crumble. So, I tuck these precious commodities aside, waiting for the brilliant brainstorm that will surely call for these quality products to bring it to life. And end up creating nothing. Because who wants to play with crap toys? So, I said yes to using an amazing set of Cretacolor Monolith pencils yesterday--just to play. No, I didn't instantly manifest a masterpiece, but it felt SO GOOD just making simple marks with these pencils, it did inspire me to create this abstract art envelope for some snail mail fun: 

It's a humble little project that may not be a lot, but it came from playing with pencils I didn't feel I was worthy of using. Stupid. It feels good to say yes.

    I also said yes to finally getting my Covid booster. I was so determined NOT to get it, two doses ought to be enough, right? I don't know where my brain comes up with this nonsense, honestly. Why wouldn't you protect yourself with something so simple--and free?! So, I said yes and Michael gets his booster later today as well. Doing the right thing with an easy answer of yes.

    And then this book has been on my To Be Read list for years (take a number, I have a gazillion books on my TBR...) 

I'm bumping it up to be my next read, maybe find some more inspiration to living a little more magically by learning to say yes more often. If we've learned anything from this pandemic, life can change on a dime. Take a chance. Say yes. Just imagine where that might take you...